Thanks to a screwy computer for the past 4 months, I haven't been able to write anything. And I've had lots to write.

I've been struggling so much with my diabetes lately. I just don't care. That lack of caring has wormed its way into other aspects of my life. I don't care much about anything. Depression? Could be. Could also be my thyroid. Most of my symptoms could be explained away by other things, but put together, I think that's a winner. I just need to get in for a blood test. Easier said than done with 3 kids.

I think the 10 years really knocked me. I knew it would eventually arrive, but when it did, I was numb. 10 freaking years with this disease? I can't wait until 50, when I get an award from the ADA. I'll send it back, burned. Who the hell wants an award for living with a freaking chronic disease for 50 years? Not me. I'd rather have the cure. Which will probably never arrive, as drug companies and anyone else associated with the treatment of diabetes would lose billions of dollars in profits. Its a very profitable disease.

I struggle daily with trying to balance my whole life with diabetes. I swear some days I'm in a remake of Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day. Don't get me wrong, I love my children. I love them more than anything else on this earth. I'd die for them. I just feel like a single mom who happens to be married some days. I wish I could be like my husband who can disappear into the basement for hours on end "working" on some project. I get a couple of hours here or there. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself most days. Someone is always asking me what I'm doing.

Maybe I should go into therapy. I'm not sure that would help. I realize I'm in a tough spot right now. 10 years with a chronic disease. 3 children under the age of 8. One of those children is a 2 year old who is very active. I think he's the one who broke my back, so to speak. Its hard with little kids. I don't think we moms realize how much work these beautiful little creatures we bring into this world really are. They're exhausting. Maybe I just need a vacation.

I need to get back into one of my hobbies. I need to figure out which one gives me the most pleasure. The first would be my garden, but since its 20 degrees outside, there is no gardening happening for a while. I can't wait to get back into the dirt and recreate my gardens. That gives me more relaxation than about anything else on the earth. I need to find a good inside hobby, again.

Today is the day I've dreaded would arrive. 10 years ago today, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. In about an hour from now, actually. Shock, surprise and anxiety barely begin to describe my initial feelings. The fact I thought I'd never have children made me feel so low, I wasn't sure I wanted to go on.

Fortunately, the children part wasn't true. I have 3 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, active children who drive me nuts. Its a good nuts, but chaos reigns at my house frequently. As if this is a surprise to any parent. They are my reason to live.

My other reason to live is to be cured of my disease. 10 years ago, a cure was 5 years away. I guess I should be cured this year too. Apparently, 5 years is the time given for the past 50 years. I once asked my endocrinologist if I might possibly be cured by the age of 40. Unfortunately, 40 is about 20 months away for me now. I'm begining to have my doubts of a cure.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel this morning. Its also my husband's birthday. Nothing like being diagnosed on a family birthday. Kind of like dying on one, I suppose. Unfortunately, since it is his birthday, my obsevance of this date is ignored and forgotten. Not that I want to celebrate the fact I'm a diabetic, most likely to die 10 years earlier than I would otherwise, always on edge for lows, complications and such. I don't know what I expect or want out of this day. I should celebrate the fact I've had 3 children, managed not to have any serious complications (although I have slight microalbumin in my urine, and am on meds to keep the blood pressure lower in my kidneys) and my life is more or less the same as it was 10 years ago. I should celebrate the fact that I don't let diabetes get in the way of anything I want to do in my life. It manages to rear its ugly head now and again. But for the most part, I think I have my illness where it belongs.

What will the next 10 years bring? Hopefully a cure. Hopefully none of my children will develop this disease. Hopefully I won't have any further complications. Hopefully my insurance company will be more willing to cover a greater amount of my necessary accessories. Hopefully I can observe this day a little more in the open. Hopefully more people will be educated on what diabetes really is. Hopefully if there is no cure, treatment will be better and easier.

This day has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks and I haven't been able to decide what I want or need to do. I am going to lunch with some friends today. My normal running about is on board today. My kids have no idea that its anything else other than their Dad's birthday. I don't seem to want to mention it to people for fear they, well for fear of what, I don't know.

I guess I will see what this day brings. All I know is that I woke up feeling irritated. Not a good sign for a day.

My 10 year observance of my diabetes diagnosis is fast approaching. I need to figure out what to do for myself. Nothing sounds good, unfortunately. After 10 years, I have 3 children. I am pretty much complication free. I have some microalbumin in my urine, but its being controlled with medication, and twice yearly visits to my nephrologist. I need to celebrate that fact. But I'm clueless as to what. I could spend the day at the spa, but after I come home, any relaxation I had would go out the window. I could purchase some clothes, but I'm attempting to lose weight, so whats the point. Maybe I should get a tattoo. I always wanted some big red lips on my butt. But I can see my Ob/Gyn's reaction during my annual. I think she'd laugh.

At least I've got about 3 weeks to decide. More, if I'm truly without a clue. I'll have to ponder this a bit more..........

I'm so fed up with my kids right now, mostly my 5 year old. Her main job is to set the table. So what does she pull tonite? I didn't hear you, I don't hear you, I don't understand. It was all I could do to walk off and not beat her. I'm not a violent person by any means. But the witching hour, that gets me. Husband is working late, kids are hungry, and C is just so, so, irritating. I swear, if I were a different person I'd have strangled her on the spot. So then she comes up to me and tries to talk to me. Go away, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I called hubby, forget about dinner, you're all on your own. I don't care if any of you eat. I don't care if you starve right now.

Can you tell I'm burned out? I'm fed up? The only person who takes care of me is me. I'm tired of being responsible for everything in my house. I swear, sometimes my husband seems utterly helpless. I have to pre--arrange every little outing by days. He just ups and leaves. Why is that? Is it because he just assumes since I'm an at home mom, I'll happily stay with the kids yet again? I don't want to think the worst, but sometimes I'm not sure he uses the brain he was given.

Fortunately, I'm not hungry in the least. So I don't care if anyone eats. I'm fed up with being the bad guy in the family. I truly don't ask for much of my kids. Pick up after yourself, follow a few rules and enjoy life. Oh, mom asked me to set the table. Speaking of, I think the TV is gone. Say goodbye Toshiba.

My youngest daughter and middle child starts kindergarten this week. It doesn't seem possible that she's 5 and ready for school. Where has the time gone? I know its an old cliche that time flies, and it seems like yesterday she was born, but it does seem that way. I feel that I've missed her entire early childhood. I feel like I've fucked around and haven't been here at all to enjoy her and her first years. Its not something I can ever get back, its gone forever. I feel as if I've been too busy with other things to enjoy her and her imagination and her life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't remember feeling this way when my oldest went to school. I feel sometimes I haven't appreciated C the way I should. I haven't loved her as much as I should. I haven't been patient with her like I should. I feel like a horrible mom, who hasn't bothered to enjoy her child's early years and now they've been ripped from me forever, I can never get them back, I can never enjoy them again.

Until tonite, I've been so excited for her to start school. She's incredibly bright, she's taught herself sign language, she's so giving and loving, such a generous soul. She's funny, energetic and just a wonderful little girl. But for some reason tonite it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby girl is starting school. Its only half day, but next year, she's gone all day. Our lives are changing, our relationship is changing. She won't be needing me as much. She'll want to be with her friends. Maybe that's what is driving it.

All I know is I'm bawling tonite, and I'm not a crier. I feel I've been too distracted to notice she's growing up. I think most of it is because she is so much like me. I guess maybe I'm mourning my aging. I'm only 38, but I don't feel I should be this age. Where did my childhood go? Why can't we be kids until 30?

I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted. Guess I've been a bit pre-occupied with the kids.

Summer vacation has started, and so has the sibling insanity. The girls are at each others' throats a significant part of the day. The joys of siblings. If C doesn't do what L wants, there is hitting and yelling involved. I'm not sure how to get across to L that she isn't the parent, and hitting her siblings is unacceptable. She doesn't seem to get the point. I know that keeping them busy is a good thing, and I try my best. Some days I just want unstructured time so they can be kids, play with dolls, trucks, animals or whatever else strikes their fancy. Today C had a pair of Barbie doll shoes in her mouth, L said they were her doll's shoes, and asked C to let them go. C didn't listen so L proceeded to smack her in the face. Right in front of me! The shoes are mine now.

I've started "self preservation" classes, i.e. pottery. I'm loving it. Its taught by some local artisans, a husband and wife team, and its very low key. I'm having trouble throwing, but there are other ways to create pottery, so I'm concentrating on that right now. Next week I'll attempt to throw again. I'd been fun learning something new, tapping into my creative side and getting out of the house.

Summer has officially arrived in the Midwest, its hotter than Hades today. At least there is a pool nearby where we can hang out after swim lessons end. Now to be able to keep track of 3 kids at once, by myself. Today should be quite a challenge.

The exercise has gone totally out the door. I have no motivation, and I can't figure out why. Maybe because I'm totally consumed by children? I know I need to schedule the exercise, make it a part of my day, but I don't have the drive to do it. I wish I could just be tapped on the head and it would start me moving.

Finally gettting my butt moving to lose the baby weight. All 3 of the babies. I've got at least 50 to lose, and that's pretty conservative. Its hard for me to realize I'm overweight, and probably considered obese. I look big, but I see people when I'm out, and I feel like Twiggy compared to them. I've never had a weight problem before. I was so skinny in high school and college, it was ridiculous. Diabetes, children and turning 30 have wreaked havoc on my body.

I know exercising and losing the weight will help me manage my blood sugars more readily, but actually getting into the habit isn't easy, esp. with 3 kids, 2 of them who aren't in school yet. God forbid I go on a walk with C and S. At least I can stick S in a stroller, he's only 21 months. C will complain about her legs hurting her after about 50 steps. If she's one on one and you get her talking about stuff, its not so bad. Otherwise, you're wanting to pull your ears off.

I need to set a goal, or several, and make sure I get some reward as I reach each goal. Don't know what those rewards will be, but I need to move towards something, rather than saying when I lose 50 lbs I will....... You fill in the blank.

I don't want to reach 40 and look like this. I want my 40s to be better than my 30s. Think that's possible? My children arrived in my 30s. I've grown as a person in my 30s. But honestly, I do look forward to my 40s. I've become much more outspoken, more fearless and more aware in my 30s. It wasn't hard to be more outspoken. Anyone who knows me will agree its one of my attributes (or it could be a negative thing, not sure).

So today, weights. Yesterday it was a long walk in the early morning. I just need to stick to it!!