Sugar-Free Mama

2007-01-17T16:15:00.000-06:00

Thanks to a screwy computer for the past 4 months, I haven't been able to write anything. And I've had lots to write.

I've been struggling so much with my diabetes lately. I just don't care. That lack of caring has wormed its way into other aspects of my life. I don't care much about anything. Depression? Could be. Could also be my thyroid. Most of my symptoms could be explained away by other things, but put together, I think that's a winner. I just need to get in for a blood test. Easier said than done with 3 kids.

I think the 10 years really knocked me. I knew it would eventually arrive, but when it did, I was numb. 10 freaking years with this disease? I can't wait until 50, when I get an award from the ADA. I'll send it back, burned. Who the hell wants an award for living with a freaking chronic disease for 50 years? Not me. I'd rather have the cure. Which will probably never arrive, as drug companies and anyone else associated with the treatment of diabetes would lose billions of dollars in profits. Its a very profitable disease.

I struggle daily with trying to balance my whole life with diabetes. I swear some days I'm in a remake of Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day. Don't get me wrong, I love my children. I love them more than anything else on this earth. I'd die for them. I just feel like a single mom who happens to be married some days. I wish I could be like my husband who can disappear into the basement for hours on end "working" on some project. I get a couple of hours here or there. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself most days. Someone is always asking me what I'm doing.

Maybe I should go into therapy. I'm not sure that would help. I realize I'm in a tough spot right now. 10 years with a chronic disease. 3 children under the age of 8. One of those children is a 2 year old who is very active. I think he's the one who broke my back, so to speak. Its hard with little kids. I don't think we moms realize how much work these beautiful little creatures we bring into this world really are. They're exhausting. Maybe I just need a vacation.

I need to get back into one of my hobbies. I need to figure out which one gives me the most pleasure. The first would be my garden, but since its 20 degrees outside, there is no gardening happening for a while. I can't wait to get back into the dirt and recreate my gardens. That gives me more relaxation than about anything else on the earth. I need to find a good inside hobby, again.

2006-09-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Today is the day I've dreaded would arrive. 10 years ago today, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. In about an hour from now, actually. Shock, surprise and anxiety barely begin to describe my initial feelings. The fact I thought I'd never have children made me feel so low, I wasn't sure I wanted to go on.

Fortunately, the children part wasn't true. I have 3 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, active children who drive me nuts. Its a good nuts, but chaos reigns at my house frequently. As if this is a surprise to any parent. They are my reason to live.

My other reason to live is to be cured of my disease. 10 years ago, a cure was 5 years away. I guess I should be cured this year too. Apparently, 5 years is the time given for the past 50 years. I once asked my endocrinologist if I might possibly be cured by the age of 40. Unfortunately, 40 is about 20 months away for me now. I'm begining to have my doubts of a cure.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel this morning. Its also my husband's birthday. Nothing like being diagnosed on a family birthday. Kind of like dying on one, I suppose. Unfortunately, since it is his birthday, my obsevance of this date is ignored and forgotten. Not that I want to celebrate the fact I'm a diabetic, most likely to die 10 years earlier than I would otherwise, always on edge for lows, complications and such. I don't know what I expect or want out of this day. I should celebrate the fact I've had 3 children, managed not to have any serious complications (although I have slight microalbumin in my urine, and am on meds to keep the blood pressure lower in my kidneys) and my life is more or less the same as it was 10 years ago. I should celebrate the fact that I don't let diabetes get in the way of anything I want to do in my life. It manages to rear its ugly head now and again. But for the most part, I think I have my illness where it belongs.

What will the next 10 years bring? Hopefully a cure. Hopefully none of my children will develop this disease. Hopefully I won't have any further complications. Hopefully my insurance company will be more willing to cover a greater amount of my necessary accessories. Hopefully I can observe this day a little more in the open. Hopefully more people will be educated on what diabetes really is. Hopefully if there is no cure, treatment will be better and easier.

This day has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks and I haven't been able to decide what I want or need to do. I am going to lunch with some friends today. My normal running about is on board today. My kids have no idea that its anything else other than their Dad's birthday. I don't seem to want to mention it to people for fear they, well for fear of what, I don't know.

I guess I will see what this day brings. All I know is that I woke up feeling irritated. Not a good sign for a day.

2006-08-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

My 10 year observance of my diabetes diagnosis is fast approaching. I need to figure out what to do for myself. Nothing sounds good, unfortunately. After 10 years, I have 3 children. I am pretty much complication free. I have some microalbumin in my urine, but its being controlled with medication, and twice yearly visits to my nephrologist. I need to celebrate that fact. But I'm clueless as to what. I could spend the day at the spa, but after I come home, any relaxation I had would go out the window. I could purchase some clothes, but I'm attempting to lose weight, so whats the point. Maybe I should get a tattoo. I always wanted some big red lips on my butt. But I can see my Ob/Gyn's reaction during my annual. I think she'd laugh.

At least I've got about 3 weeks to decide. More, if I'm truly without a clue. I'll have to ponder this a bit more..........

2006-08-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so fed up with my kids right now, mostly my 5 year old. Her main job is to set the table. So what does she pull tonite? I didn't hear you, I don't hear you, I don't understand. It was all I could do to walk off and not beat her. I'm not a violent person by any means. But the witching hour, that gets me. Husband is working late, kids are hungry, and C is just so, so, irritating. I swear, if I were a different person I'd have strangled her on the spot. So then she comes up to me and tries to talk to me. Go away, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I called hubby, forget about dinner, you're all on your own. I don't care if any of you eat. I don't care if you starve right now.

Can you tell I'm burned out? I'm fed up? The only person who takes care of me is me. I'm tired of being responsible for everything in my house. I swear, sometimes my husband seems utterly helpless. I have to pre--arrange every little outing by days. He just ups and leaves. Why is that? Is it because he just assumes since I'm an at home mom, I'll happily stay with the kids yet again? I don't want to think the worst, but sometimes I'm not sure he uses the brain he was given.

Fortunately, I'm not hungry in the least. So I don't care if anyone eats. I'm fed up with being the bad guy in the family. I truly don't ask for much of my kids. Pick up after yourself, follow a few rules and enjoy life. Oh, mom asked me to set the table. Speaking of, I think the TV is gone. Say goodbye Toshiba.

2006-08-15T23:14:00.000-05:00

My youngest daughter and middle child starts kindergarten this week. It doesn't seem possible that she's 5 and ready for school. Where has the time gone? I know its an old cliche that time flies, and it seems like yesterday she was born, but it does seem that way. I feel that I've missed her entire early childhood. I feel like I've fucked around and haven't been here at all to enjoy her and her first years. Its not something I can ever get back, its gone forever. I feel as if I've been too busy with other things to enjoy her and her imagination and her life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't remember feeling this way when my oldest went to school. I feel sometimes I haven't appreciated C the way I should. I haven't loved her as much as I should. I haven't been patient with her like I should. I feel like a horrible mom, who hasn't bothered to enjoy her child's early years and now they've been ripped from me forever, I can never get them back, I can never enjoy them again.

Until tonite, I've been so excited for her to start school. She's incredibly bright, she's taught herself sign language, she's so giving and loving, such a generous soul. She's funny, energetic and just a wonderful little girl. But for some reason tonite it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby girl is starting school. Its only half day, but next year, she's gone all day. Our lives are changing, our relationship is changing. She won't be needing me as much. She'll want to be with her friends. Maybe that's what is driving it.

All I know is I'm bawling tonite, and I'm not a crier. I feel I've been too distracted to notice she's growing up. I think most of it is because she is so much like me. I guess maybe I'm mourning my aging. I'm only 38, but I don't feel I should be this age. Where did my childhood go? Why can't we be kids until 30?

2006-06-19T17:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted. Guess I've been a bit pre-occupied with the kids.

Summer vacation has started, and so has the sibling insanity. The girls are at each others' throats a significant part of the day. The joys of siblings. If C doesn't do what L wants, there is hitting and yelling involved. I'm not sure how to get across to L that she isn't the parent, and hitting her siblings is unacceptable. She doesn't seem to get the point. I know that keeping them busy is a good thing, and I try my best. Some days I just want unstructured time so they can be kids, play with dolls, trucks, animals or whatever else strikes their fancy. Today C had a pair of Barbie doll shoes in her mouth, L said they were her doll's shoes, and asked C to let them go. C didn't listen so L proceeded to smack her in the face. Right in front of me! The shoes are mine now.

I've started "self preservation" classes, i.e. pottery. I'm loving it. Its taught by some local artisans, a husband and wife team, and its very low key. I'm having trouble throwing, but there are other ways to create pottery, so I'm concentrating on that right now. Next week I'll attempt to throw again. I'd been fun learning something new, tapping into my creative side and getting out of the house.

Summer has officially arrived in the Midwest, its hotter than Hades today. At least there is a pool nearby where we can hang out after swim lessons end. Now to be able to keep track of 3 kids at once, by myself. Today should be quite a challenge.

The exercise has gone totally out the door. I have no motivation, and I can't figure out why. Maybe because I'm totally consumed by children? I know I need to schedule the exercise, make it a part of my day, but I don't have the drive to do it. I wish I could just be tapped on the head and it would start me moving.

2006-05-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

Finally gettting my butt moving to lose the baby weight. All 3 of the babies. I've got at least 50 to lose, and that's pretty conservative. Its hard for me to realize I'm overweight, and probably considered obese. I look big, but I see people when I'm out, and I feel like Twiggy compared to them. I've never had a weight problem before. I was so skinny in high school and college, it was ridiculous. Diabetes, children and turning 30 have wreaked havoc on my body.

I know exercising and losing the weight will help me manage my blood sugars more readily, but actually getting into the habit isn't easy, esp. with 3 kids, 2 of them who aren't in school yet. God forbid I go on a walk with C and S. At least I can stick S in a stroller, he's only 21 months. C will complain about her legs hurting her after about 50 steps. If she's one on one and you get her talking about stuff, its not so bad. Otherwise, you're wanting to pull your ears off.

I need to set a goal, or several, and make sure I get some reward as I reach each goal. Don't know what those rewards will be, but I need to move towards something, rather than saying when I lose 50 lbs I will....... You fill in the blank.

I don't want to reach 40 and look like this. I want my 40s to be better than my 30s. Think that's possible? My children arrived in my 30s. I've grown as a person in my 30s. But honestly, I do look forward to my 40s. I've become much more outspoken, more fearless and more aware in my 30s. It wasn't hard to be more outspoken. Anyone who knows me will agree its one of my attributes (or it could be a negative thing, not sure).

So today, weights. Yesterday it was a long walk in the early morning. I just need to stick to it!!

2006-04-25T19:09:00.000-05:00

I just found out one of my dearest friends is expecting again. She's not optimistic about it either, as she had 3 miscarriages last year. I hurt so badly for her, going thru what she's experiencing in her life. I'm never sure what to say to her, except to be supportive, encouraging and just listen. I guess its all I can do. I feel nearly guilty for having 3 children. Granted, my pregnancies were everything but textbook or easy, so I guess with my diabetes, I'm lucky. I pray daily for her to have a successful pregnancy she wants so badly. Hopefully this will be the one. I don't know if I could endure what she has and stay semi sane.

On a completely different note, why is it after I spend a ton of time cleaning up the kitchen, for example, it takes my family less than 10 minutes to destroy all the work I accomplished? Its so utterly frustrating, and even though my girls apologize, it doesn't help. Clean up your own damned mess! If my husband would actually attempt to do this, my kids wouldn't think that its my job. I'm not a fucking maid. I should just dress up like Alice in my blue dress and white apron, with little white Keds, and live in a little room off the laundry room. I already have Sam in my life. The whole outfit would go right over their heads. I might have to give it a try anyway. What the hell. Its about how I feel anyway.

2006-04-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

Frozen seeds of flower, vegetables and such were tossed into my fuckwit neighbor's yard early this morning around 2 a.m I froze a ton of wildflower seeds, you know the kind that come in boxes with a wide assortment of noxious things? I included pumpkin seeds, squash, cauliflower and morning glory too. Put them all in a big container, added water and then poured it into a pan in my freezer. So it was bigger chunks of stuff and not as thick as ice cubes.

I broke them up into chuckable pieces, dressed in black, snuck out of the back door, across the street and threw into their yard. A bird in a bush scared the heck out of me. That was my hiding place from the street light. I can't even remember how much I threw, but I had a gallon sized ziplock crammed full. I made sure it went all over their yard too, not just where I could comfortably throw. Maybe that's why my left shoulder hurts a bit today.

Afterwards, I casually walked up the street some, then crossed and came back to my driveway. After I came into my house, I waited for the police to arrive. I figured I was seen. I tried to come up with a good story just in case. I was out for a walk, couldn't sleep. Of course I walked by their house, officer. How else could I walk around the block?

No one knocked at my door in the middle of the nite, dragging me away to jail. I got up this morning to see if they were inspecting their lawn and nope. No suspicions whatsoever.

So they've been watering their new sod, and I can't wait to see what sprouts of my donation. I'll make sure to take pics. I'm going to laugh my ass off.

2006-04-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

I've got fuckwits for neighbors. These people are the biggest hoosiers I've ever known. No offense to those from Indiana. For the past 7 years I've been told how they're better parents than me and my husband and how they're so much smarter then us too. So, if you're so fucking smart, why are you rototilling your yard in the spring to plant grass? You'd think after 3 years of attempting this manuever, or something similar, you'd learn that planting grass in the spring isn't the right thing to do.

These are the same people who harassed my former next door neighbors so much, they ended up moving for fear of being accused of something worse. For 2 years, the fuckwits called the cops on them, cussed them out in the middle of the street in front of children, called the principal at the school about stuff their children made up, and other things I don't even want to go into. So after my former neighbors moved, they started on my family. Yep, they have to be pissed off at someone about nothing. Literally, nothing. They've called the City on us because our weeds were allegedly too tall. Unfortunately, she was talking about some of my flowers, liatris. She's so stupid she doesn't even know flowers from weeds. She also called about when we put our trash out. She apparently has no life whatsoever. We refer to the husband as "asswipe" pronounced ahsweepay, from SNL years ago. Or Creep Boy. He's a close talker and you always wonder if he's going to french kiss you at the next sentence. She's just Crazy Kate. She repeats herself so often when you talk with her you eventually just tune her out. Actually, I used to tune her out within 2 minutes of her opening her mouth.

We used to be "friends" as much as she can be friends with anyone. As long as you don't tell her she's wrong about something, or question her about her behavior, she'll be alright with you. Apparently you cross that line somehow and she becomes a total slag. I feel sorry for the kids, she's raising another generation of total morons. She's got her 3 year old son so scared of me, he actually runs the other way when he sees me. Her kids basically lived at my former neighbors house. So much so, before we moved in and I'd drive by the house to just check on things, I'd always see 4 kids in the yard. When we moved in and met 3, I asked about her daughter. Crazy Kate denies her child was ever over there that much.

I pray daily these people move to find some place they'd be happier living. Oh, and she's a trustee. Believe that shit? She's a former JAG in the Army, and she makes sure EVERYONE knows she's an attorney. She hasn't practiced law in the 7 years I've known her. Guess I'm still a paralegal since I did that before kids.

So with their yard in this condition, I'm planning some sabotage. Can't wait to see the results. And yes, I will show pictures of my work. I feel so, I don't know how to explain it. I will have fun with this.

Why don't people like this live in the same neighborhood as other morons similar to themselves? It would make

2006-04-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I wrote. I had to get ready for our Florida trip, which was from hell. Driving for 2 days, with 3 kids was ridiculous. Once we finally arrived at father in law's house, he didn't put any of his breakable stuff away. So of course, my 20 month old son promptly chips some thing he has on his coffee table within 10 minutes of arriving. Um, sir, you had 5 kids, don't you remember how they are? Apparently not.

The man got into some awful moods, and basically ignored the kids, except to tell them to get away from something, or bitch at them. What a relaxing vacation. He has a pool, but didn't bother to heat the darned thing so the kids could swim, so my girls are in the 68 degree pool, with blue lips and shivering. They couldn't wait to swim.

I asked to do some laundry, and apparently I don't know how. I got a lecture on how many towels to stick in the dryer. His only takes 5. And those 5 take nearly 3 hours to dry. Brand new Neptune dryer too. I thought they worked better. I've got a 13 year old Hotpoint which dries better than that! Unfortunately, said Hotpoint died the nite before we left, so I had to head to my parents to finish up clothes to take with us. Oh the joys of travel preparation.

Fortunately, after the run in with my ass-in-law, I talked with hubby and told him either we were leaving the next day, which was a day early, or the kids and I were flying home and he could drive the van back for 2 days, by himself. He waffled a bit, feeling guilty, but was finally persuaded that we didn't need this kind of vacation. We left the next morning, ass-in-law not sure what to do. But apparently relieved the invaders were gone.

I feel sorry for my children. Their paternal grandparents seem to be so wrapped up in their own little worlds, they forget about my children. Not sure what they do with the rest of their grandkids, but I know they don't pay much attention to mine. Its their loss. My parents are so attentive and giving to my kids. They make up for the lack of effort from the other side.

Aside from those areas, we had a decent vacation. We took the kids to Sea World and had so much fun walking around, watching some shows, seeing lots of cool aquatic beings and having the kids tell us where we were going next. 7 hours is quite a long time to be in 1 place, but it was worth it. I'd go back, just to see the joy in my children's eyes.

We also took in the beach, which was a blast for my 4 year old, who had never been to a beach. She nearly got swept away a few times from the tide, but fortunately, she was always rescued. My 20 month old didn't much appreciate the water, constant waves rushing in at low tide, or the noise, but the sand was fun for him to play in. He'd take shells and dig. Right up his alley. My 7 year old daughter had fun racing the waves to the shore. The kids and I went by ourselves one day near high tide, as hubby and said ass-in-law spent the day at Cape Canaveral. It was such joy to see my daughters holding hands and watching the waves come in. We all got wet, and loved it. They thought it was most funny that I got wet up to my hips. I didn't like the wet undies on the way home, but what the heck, my kids had fun, and so did I.

My insulin pump holder broke the 2nd day there, so keeping my pump in my pocket was a bit of a pain. At night, sticking my pump in my underwear isn't the optiome of comfort, but it worked. Still waiting for my new holder. Its becoming quite annoying.

My blood sugars were all over the place on vacation too. Its hard to balance food with insulin and lack of exercise while driving. I started my amylin again, so that brings down my blood sugars a bit more, so it was quite a tight rope walk for a few days. My endo won't be pleased with my next A1C, but you know, I do my best. Unless you live with this disease day in and day out, you have no idea how hard it is. A doc can lecture you until she is blue in the face, but damn it, this isn't an easy disease to live with. Fears of lows, fears of highs. God forbid I get sick, that's when its the worst. Dealing with children. I wish there was some magic button like on the Staples commercial I could push to make it all easier. But that button doesn't exist. At least in my life.

I'm trying to exercise more, and even walked up our hill to the bus stop this morning with my now 8 year old. I can't believe she turned 8 on April 1. Yep, an April Fools baby. She was 27 days early too, so no one believed us when we announced her arrival. She actually loves having her birthday on April 1. She gets to play jokes on us, and the ideas of jokes for an 8 year old are hilarious. She's playing with sarcasm now, which can be irritating, but with her parents being quite sarcastic, its not a surprise.

Back to real life. Gotta find a new dryer. I attempted to start laundry at my parents house yesterday, but was interrupted by a major storm, and 3 trees were uprooted in their back yard, taking out the power lines. Watching 3 huge 40 foot locust trees come out by the roots is amazing. I'm glad no one was hurt, but darn it, I need to finish my laundry. Guess I'll have to find a laundromat and sit there for a few hours.

2006-03-16T21:03:00.000-06:00

Up way early this morning, 5 am, to take my 20 month old to the hospital to have his cast removed from his right arm. He had hand surgery 2 weeks ago. Now he's in a soft cast for a week. He slipped out of it 2 hours after we arrived back home. Little bugger. Panicked, I called the doc's office, who told me his nurse would call me back immediately. In the intervening 10 minutes, I unwrapped the soft cast, which reminds me of a sticky ace bandage, and rewrapped it on my son's arm. Thankfully, he was distracted by some food to eat with his left arm. When I called the doc's office again and told them what I'd done, they didn't seem to care. Saved me a trip to the office and some $.

Apparently my husband didn't listen to a fucking thing I said the other night about our impending trip to Florida. He talked with his dad last nite, who has made brunch reservations for all of us, and has arranged other things, so apparently we're going. I don't think hubby realizes what he's gonna owe me for this. In fact, I'm positive he has no idea. If he even thinks about getting into one of his moods, I'll kill him right on the spot. You can all be my character witnesses. Someone please delete this blog before I'm prosecuted.

I had to laugh at my eldest daughter, who is 7. L is usually rather curt with her 4 year old sister, C, especially if C doesn't follow what L tells her to do. Tonite before dinner, C is showing L some of the paintings she did in pre-school earlier in the week. Usually L would respond with something rude like who cares, they're ugly, they're not as good as mine. But tonite, L surprised me like I never thought she'd do. She looked at them and said, "Wow, C! These are beautiful!" I nearly cried. I walked over to L, leaned down to her ear and said "That's the nicest I've ever heard you speak to your sister. I like hearing that and I'm proud of you for complimenting her." I think I embarassed her.

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed, don't know why, don't care to find out. I really need to find more ME time. I know its hard to do with 3 kids and a house to run, but it has to happen sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

2006-03-14T17:04:00.000-06:00

Still attempting to figure out all my frustrations. Not much headway. I talked with my husband last nite about our planned trip to Florida. I told him there was no way I was sitting in a car for over 17 hours with 3 kids without going totally insane, or pulling over and getting out to walk home. He thought maybe valium would help relax me. I'm not wanting to relax in a car for 17 hours. I'll do that in my own home, thank you very much. I made sure he understood that vacation wouldn't be a very happy or relaxing time considering the way I feel. I'm not sure he got it. I'm pretty sure he didn't.

I'm suggesting other options, where we don't have to drive a day to get there. So far, none of my suggestions are being accepted. He did suggest he could go to Florida by himself. Oh ya, leave an irritated, crabby 37 year old diabetic alone for a week with her 3 kids. I did mention inpatient mental institution in my response. So no decision has been agreed upon. Figures.

I did get to take a nap today for a couple of hours. It seemed to help. But I realize that I get very irritated with my 4 year old daughter. She's mini-me, that's probably one reason. Several other reasons include the fact she asks questions but never waits for the response, just starts asking the same question over and over. Then she repeats herself a hundred times with some demand, believing I move as fast as The Flash.

I hear my darling husband yelling at our 20 month old, so I'll move on for the moment before someone hurts themselves. Oh, no sex. Sorry.

2006-03-13T13:15:00.000-06:00

The irritation builds, and I don't know why. I know part of it is the total lack of help I get around the house. Take for example, my husband. God love him, because some days, that is the only person guaranteed to love him. He scraped the popcorn off the ceilings in our bedroom and bathroom. Did a half assed job of cleaning up. So who finished cleaning up the bathroom today with a 20 month old boy? Me, of course. I don't even want to look at my bedroom.

Husband wants to go visit his dad in Florida for spring break in 2 weeks. This makes me laugh out loud because the man can't spend 10 minutes in the car with our 3 children without yelling at someone. He's going to spend over 18 hours, one way, with them in a car? I think I'll let him take the kids to Florida and I'll stay home and enjoy the quiet. Maybe that's what I need.

I probably should call my endo and see if there is another anti-depressant I can take. Maybe that's my problem. I have some of the signs of depression, still. Its worth the phone call. I know I could care less about sex right now (how's that Sue?). Quite unusual for me. I think I'll make that call today.

Maybe once I get my feeling of irritation under better control, my diabetes will follow. I'm using way too much insulin lately. Seems like every day my pump is yelling at me about a low reservoir. I hate when it starts buzzing. Just another irritation to add to my life these days.

I think I'll nap on the screened in porch and listen to the howling wind. Its no longer the gentle breeze it was yesterday. Its gusting around 40 mph. If I weighed any less, the wind might take it with me!

Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett. Hopefully my mood will improve then too.

2006-03-12T15:22:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling quite irritated lately, and my blood sugars show it. Usually I'm so anal about my management, but lately, I don't give a shit. I try, half-assed, but all I get is more frustrated.

I've been attempting to lose weight. What a joke. With 3 kids, a house to keep up with, I don't have the time to exercise like I should, unless I get up at 4 am. I don't want to get up at 4 am to exercise. My husband said he'd help out so I could get the time to exercise, but that lasted 2 days, since I wasn't exercising like he thought I should. Thanks for your judgment, buddy. Always seems like it needs to be on his terms. Funny how I kept my mouth shut for nearly 6 years of marriage while he smoked like a chimney, only to stop a couple of months before our first child was born. Guess I'm more supportive.

I know what pisses me off most about diabetes is the fact there is no day off. No time off. No holiday. I can't leave my house without my glucose meter, and a spare syringe in case my pump malfunctions. Oh, and pump batteries. My pump can eat batteries quicker than one of the kids' toys. Packing for vacation is the biggest pain in the ass. All the supplies I need to take. I soon forget about the basics, toothpaste, soap, deoderant. I know I can pick those up at the local discount store. Not the pump supplies. I wish for 1 day off a year. It would be so wonderful not to think about my blood sugar, wondering if I'm going to shoot too high or too low. Its a constant thing on my mind, even though sometimes I pretend its not.

After nearly 10 years of being a type 1, I'm used to my routine. My older kids, 7 and 4, know when I say I need to check my blood sugar, its time to be quiet for a few moments. I knew I was being watched when my oldest daughter pretended to take her blood sugar one day while we were out shopping. She put the test strip into the appropriate place, pretended to use the lancet and she even sucked the "blood" off her finger. I nearly cried. It was touching that I knew she'd been very attentive to what I'd been doing. My kids will learn they need to be patient with me sometimes.

As I usually try to tell myself, tomorrow is a better day. I need to call my endo to get a new script for my symlin. It helped a bit with my appetite and keeping my blood sugars lower. Having 169 as a 2 week average isn't what I'm used to having. Maybe there is something to the whole consistent exercise idea.