My youngest daughter and middle child starts kindergarten this week. It doesn't seem possible that she's 5 and ready for school. Where has the time gone? I know its an old cliche that time flies, and it seems like yesterday she was born, but it does seem that way. I feel that I've missed her entire early childhood. I feel like I've fucked around and haven't been here at all to enjoy her and her first years. Its not something I can ever get back, its gone forever. I feel as if I've been too busy with other things to enjoy her and her imagination and her life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't remember feeling this way when my oldest went to school. I feel sometimes I haven't appreciated C the way I should. I haven't loved her as much as I should. I haven't been patient with her like I should. I feel like a horrible mom, who hasn't bothered to enjoy her child's early years and now they've been ripped from me forever, I can never get them back, I can never enjoy them again.

Until tonite, I've been so excited for her to start school. She's incredibly bright, she's taught herself sign language, she's so giving and loving, such a generous soul. She's funny, energetic and just a wonderful little girl. But for some reason tonite it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby girl is starting school. Its only half day, but next year, she's gone all day. Our lives are changing, our relationship is changing. She won't be needing me as much. She'll want to be with her friends. Maybe that's what is driving it.

All I know is I'm bawling tonite, and I'm not a crier. I feel I've been too distracted to notice she's growing up. I think most of it is because she is so much like me. I guess maybe I'm mourning my aging. I'm only 38, but I don't feel I should be this age. Where did my childhood go? Why can't we be kids until 30?