My 10 year observance of my diabetes diagnosis is fast approaching. I need to figure out what to do for myself. Nothing sounds good, unfortunately. After 10 years, I have 3 children. I am pretty much complication free. I have some microalbumin in my urine, but its being controlled with medication, and twice yearly visits to my nephrologist. I need to celebrate that fact. But I'm clueless as to what. I could spend the day at the spa, but after I come home, any relaxation I had would go out the window. I could purchase some clothes, but I'm attempting to lose weight, so whats the point. Maybe I should get a tattoo. I always wanted some big red lips on my butt. But I can see my Ob/Gyn's reaction during my annual. I think she'd laugh.

At least I've got about 3 weeks to decide. More, if I'm truly without a clue. I'll have to ponder this a bit more..........

I'm so fed up with my kids right now, mostly my 5 year old. Her main job is to set the table. So what does she pull tonite? I didn't hear you, I don't hear you, I don't understand. It was all I could do to walk off and not beat her. I'm not a violent person by any means. But the witching hour, that gets me. Husband is working late, kids are hungry, and C is just so, so, irritating. I swear, if I were a different person I'd have strangled her on the spot. So then she comes up to me and tries to talk to me. Go away, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I called hubby, forget about dinner, you're all on your own. I don't care if any of you eat. I don't care if you starve right now.

Can you tell I'm burned out? I'm fed up? The only person who takes care of me is me. I'm tired of being responsible for everything in my house. I swear, sometimes my husband seems utterly helpless. I have to pre--arrange every little outing by days. He just ups and leaves. Why is that? Is it because he just assumes since I'm an at home mom, I'll happily stay with the kids yet again? I don't want to think the worst, but sometimes I'm not sure he uses the brain he was given.

Fortunately, I'm not hungry in the least. So I don't care if anyone eats. I'm fed up with being the bad guy in the family. I truly don't ask for much of my kids. Pick up after yourself, follow a few rules and enjoy life. Oh, mom asked me to set the table. Speaking of, I think the TV is gone. Say goodbye Toshiba.

My youngest daughter and middle child starts kindergarten this week. It doesn't seem possible that she's 5 and ready for school. Where has the time gone? I know its an old cliche that time flies, and it seems like yesterday she was born, but it does seem that way. I feel that I've missed her entire early childhood. I feel like I've fucked around and haven't been here at all to enjoy her and her first years. Its not something I can ever get back, its gone forever. I feel as if I've been too busy with other things to enjoy her and her imagination and her life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't remember feeling this way when my oldest went to school. I feel sometimes I haven't appreciated C the way I should. I haven't loved her as much as I should. I haven't been patient with her like I should. I feel like a horrible mom, who hasn't bothered to enjoy her child's early years and now they've been ripped from me forever, I can never get them back, I can never enjoy them again.

Until tonite, I've been so excited for her to start school. She's incredibly bright, she's taught herself sign language, she's so giving and loving, such a generous soul. She's funny, energetic and just a wonderful little girl. But for some reason tonite it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby girl is starting school. Its only half day, but next year, she's gone all day. Our lives are changing, our relationship is changing. She won't be needing me as much. She'll want to be with her friends. Maybe that's what is driving it.

All I know is I'm bawling tonite, and I'm not a crier. I feel I've been too distracted to notice she's growing up. I think most of it is because she is so much like me. I guess maybe I'm mourning my aging. I'm only 38, but I don't feel I should be this age. Where did my childhood go? Why can't we be kids until 30?